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Dancing with lesbian stars

November 7, 2010

Now that work has settled down and my dog is no longer mournfully defecating in front of my bedroom door, I should be able to write. After all, this blog was supposed to be easy. All I have to do is come up with something to be outraged about once a week and let my meagre feminine side shine through often enough for Humanity to pick up the odd point here and there (chicks dig that emotionally moving stuff).

[Can I just digress long enough to mention that WordPress is recommending I link to a Wikipedia article on defecating and I am afraid.]

Anyway, like I was saying. This is supposed to pretty much write itself out of the stream of bitter observations I hurl about me on a daily basis. But I have realized that genuine topics for points for the Apocalypse are not so easy to come by. I have to be outraged enough to be bitchy. But not so disgusted with my fellow human beings that I want to harm myself. I am a suicide prevention trainer and I am pretty sure I would lose my job for that.

But tonight I got lucky, because the Israeli version of Dancing with the Stars has recently featured a same-sex dance team made up of a lesbian sportscaster and a professional (straight) ballroom dancer. Yay! End of writers block!

Because first of all, there is the very existence of Dancing with the Stars. And the fact that it has international francises.That’s good for the Apocalypse. But then the Israeli version decides to be the first to feature people of the same gender dancing together. The potential point for Humanity here adds dramatic tension. Which way will I go? Add the fact that the couple in question, lesbian sportscaster Gili Shem-Tov and professional dancer Dorit Milman, are really attractive (heterosexuality of Ms. Milman notwithstanding) and there is even the potential for a bonus half-point awarded for hot girl-on-girl action. [Yes, I know my Feminist Card with be revoked over this. But I am a womyn-loving womyn and I have needs.]

Unfortunately for Humanity, I decided to watch the YouTube video before writing this post. This routine is the most awkward, asexual display of human movement I have experienced since my third grade square-dance performance with “Boogie” Brent Dempsey. Most of the choreography has the women swaying around a card table and it looks a little like they are about to break into an arm-wrestling contest. Ballroom-type dancing is supposed to be sensual, no? I mean, they are wearing a couple of strips of spandex and some netting. But whether the table is between them or not, they hardly touch.

This isn’t me being bitter about missing out on some hot lesbian action. I have When Night is Falling and Tipping the Velvet on DVD. This is me thinking it’s no coincidence that the first same-sex dance couple gets a routine with no heat. This is me assuming that the male-female couples on this show and every other Dancing With the Stars are all over each other like cheap suits. And this is me having better things to do with my time than to watch them to find out.

Like adding another point for the Apocalypse.

The Apocalypse: 23.5

Humanity: 18.5*

* Loyalty bonus for my tens of readers. And an Apocalypse point from Seeking Elevation, as requested.

  1. I have to say that even though they took out the hotness factor – you gotta give the Israelis credit…here in America we can’t even tolerate Margaret Cho in a rainbow flag dress…we wouldn’t want the 7 old ladies (and Carla) who watch the show to think ballroom dancing is gay or anything.

  2. I think we need to introduce Carla to my girlfriend. Serious BFF potential here.

  3. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I scored a point for the Apocalypse. I’ve done a lot of things that will get me into hell eventually, but this one is right up at the top of the list.

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