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Cyclists score for the Apocalypse

August 21, 2010

This week, Humanity vs. the Apocalypse targets cyclists. My loyal readers will be exceptions to the rule, but I am here to declare that if you use two-wheeled transportation, there’s a good chance you’re a maniacally egotistical, self-entitled arse.

I am conformtable generalizing that cyclists, as a group, are self-righteous, planet-hugging jerks whose main goal in life is to terrorize little old ladies and children on the sidewalks, and to make my life a living hell. For every peaceable, law-abiding peddler in this city, there are three dozen arseholes on the road, blowing though traffic on red lights and flipping off drivers who honk their horns.

It’s not that I don’t have compassion for innocent, law-abiding cyclists who are maimed or killed by arseholes behind the wheel- there are lots of those too. But in my city, anyway, such motorists are outnumbered by the cylcists who think that because they have small carbon footprints, they own the world.

You know the ones. The ones that don’t like to put their feet down when they come to a full stop, so they teeter back and forth on their pedals until they fall over onto your car. The ones who don’t like the congestion on the bike lanes and don’t have the balls to ride on those terrifying one-way residential streets, so they zoom up behind me on the sidewalk and almost kill my little dog.

(For extra emotional impact, I’ll post a photo of my little dog:)

The ones that are so exhausted from pedaling all over town that they can’t walk half a block to the bike rack, so they lock their hipster fixies to the gate, making it hard for you to get out of your own damned front yard.

But worst of all are the ones who force you to face the very darkest corners of your soul. Not because they make you feel bad for depleting the ozone or using more than your share of fossil fuel, but because they make you fantasize about kicking one of them over in the path of an oncoming car.

Cyclists, you may be saving the planet, but you just cost Humanity this week’s point.

The Apocalypse: 17.5

Humanity: 14.5

  1. True story….driving on the Blue Ridge Parkway which is a two lane road traversing the Blue Ridge Mountains for 400+ miles. We are at the top of Mt Mitchell at 6000 feet, driving five mph in pea soup fog, to our left a sheer drop off, to our right, the cliff face. Directly in front of us….cyclists in their stupid little helmets and offensive little biking outfits. Are they freaking kidding – why are they riding here where even in the best weather, cars careen around the almost continuous curves in the road, there is no bike lane, and to get past them you must veer into oncoming traffic (did I mention the road is seriously curvey), risking your life to avoid taking theirs.

    Cyclists – Grrrrrrrr!

  2. OMG I totally forgot to write about their obnoxious fucking spandex outfits with the pockets on the back. May they all chafe…

    • Don’t forget the over the top obnoxious “camel baks”. @Seeking Elevation – I heart ya but… sorry : (

  3. Awwww geez! My husband is an avid cyclist. I know you said that devout readers are exempt, but what about spouses?

    • Does he ride on the sidewalk? If not, he’s in. But only because he’s with you, so tell him he can’t bring any of his sweaty spandexed friends.

  4. We’ve got those idiots out here in the ‘burbs, too. They’re usually training for some race or another and can’t be bothered with traffic lights or construction vehicles. I had to laugh when one got basically clotheslined by a traffic cop because he was too impatient to wait for a bulldozer to back up. If the cop hadn’t smacked him down, he’d have been a spandex pancake.

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