Cyclists score for the Apocalypse
This week, Humanity vs. the Apocalypse targets cyclists. My loyal readers will be exceptions to the rule, but I am here to declare that if you use two-wheeled transportation, there’s a good chance you’re a maniacally egotistical, self-entitled arse.
I am conformtable generalizing that cyclists, as a group, are self-righteous, planet-hugging jerks whose main goal in life is to terrorize little old ladies and children on the sidewalks, and to make my life a living hell. For every peaceable, law-abiding peddler in this city, there are three dozen arseholes on the road, blowing though traffic on red lights and flipping off drivers who honk their horns.
It’s not that I don’t have compassion for innocent, law-abiding cyclists who are maimed or killed by arseholes behind the wheel- there are lots of those too. But in my city, anyway, such motorists are outnumbered by the cylcists who think that because they have small carbon footprints, they own the world.
You know the ones. The ones that don’t like to put their feet down when they come to a full stop, so they teeter back and forth on their pedals until they fall over onto your car. The ones who don’t like the congestion on the bike lanes and don’t have the balls to ride on those terrifying one-way residential streets, so they zoom up behind me on the sidewalk and almost kill my little dog.
(For extra emotional impact, I’ll post a photo of my little dog:)
The ones that are so exhausted from pedaling all over town that they can’t walk half a block to the bike rack, so they lock their hipster fixies to the gate, making it hard for you to get out of your own damned front yard.
But worst of all are the ones who force you to face the very darkest corners of your soul. Not because they make you feel bad for depleting the ozone or using more than your share of fossil fuel, but because they make you fantasize about kicking one of them over in the path of an oncoming car.
Cyclists, you may be saving the planet, but you just cost Humanity this week’s point.
The Apocalypse: 17.5