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Parental discretion is advised

August 6, 2010

Walking home from work today, I watched a 3-year old hop out of the backseat of the car singing, “You PMS like a bitch, I should know…” Her father and I exchanged looks, I said “Courage!” (which in French is the equivalent of “Hang in there”) and walked away with a tear in my eye. The memories…

Everyone has an inappropriate lyric story about their kids. Ours start with my daughter’s traumatic Sound of Music obsession when she was three. Yes, I said traumatic. I saw the movie at school in grade two and it launched me into pre-pubescent fantasies about Julie Andrews’ breasts, so I know the power of this film. And rather than lisping, “So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye,” or “Doe, a deer, a female deer,” my daughter tended to belt out, “I am sixteen, going on seventeen, Baby, it’s time to dance!” (Not the original lyrics, I know, but she totally sold it with the jazz hands.)

When she was four, our friends Sylvain and Ghislain introduced her to Abba, which resulted in months of “Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight.” On the bus. Even worse, listening to a song called Wank on my iPod, she picked up the lyrical gem, “I tease you till you think you’ll explode. You’ll have to go home to blow your load.” (I still expect social workers to drop by unannounced.)

When she hit school, my sister-in-law started making her CDs of pop music she heard on the radio. Which would have been fine if my sister-in-law spoke English. But since she doesn’t, she inadvertently introduced my daughter and all her little school friends to the term “motherfucking princess”. Something needed to be done.

My girlfriend and I sat down with our daughter for a long explanation about why some words really shouldn’t be sung. Appalled, she asked us to make a list of all the really bad words so she wouldn’t sing them by mistake. (Yeah, right, you’re thinking. This is just a way to scam some new vocabulary. But this is the same kid who refused to say the word shit even after I offered her 8 packs of Pokémon cards and a $20 bill.)

Now, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, a half point for humanity. Because despite our fumbling parental guidance and all the crap they are exposed to, the kids are all right.

The Apocalypse: 15.5

Humanity: 13.5

Your turn now- what’s the worst thing your kid has said or sung in public?

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11 Comments
  1. Elah permalink

    Not too terrible – but the worst I’ve had was my 5 year old singing “sucking too hard on your lollipop, boy, love’s gonna get you down” which, in all fairness, SOUNDS like something child-friendly. My daughter singing a bad cover of Britney’s “slave for you” comes in at a close second. She actually got that from a lovely little dollar store compilation entitled “Pop for Kids”, if you can believe it. Point taken: There’s a really good reason those CD’s are sold for a dollar.

  2. Oh where to start, the list is almost as long as my cell phone bill.

    A little backstory – my son is 25 and I still cringe each time he opens his mouth in public. He’s one of those “no filter” people. I suppose the worst thing he ever said in public was calling a contractor working on our bathroom the “N” word. He was three and not only did he say it…he said it in a sing song voice along with a small dance number. I practically offered up my soul trying to explain that we are nice people and do not ever, ever, ever use such horrendously offensive words in our home. Really….we’re LESBIANS for god’s sake! He must have picked the word up at preschool or while hanging out with punks on the streetcorner. The man was inexplicably nice about it but I still have the nightmares.

    • Okay, the word you can blame on the punks, but the dance? How the hell did you explain your way out of that one?

    • Today he has a nose ring and full sleeve tattoos…I can’t explain that either. And, yes…I do balme him for my alcoholism.

  3. sylvain et ghislain permalink

    SECOND COCK.
    It’s what bf called the café we used to go. Second Cup, that is. Maybe because we were walking around in the village, go figure. Could be a clue of what he was thinking when crossing this buffed 30-22-45 guy? But knowing him much, naaah it can’t be… After all, he’ s a child at heart.

    Our little protégée is a real sponge! She’s 7 but she’s so bright she catches our sayings, she mimics us sometimes and we can’t help no to burst in laughters! Now we know we try to pay attention but we are so far from being graphic like her mummy i should say…

    • Moins graphique que moi? Vraiment? Et le fait qu’elle dit encore qu’elle doit “partir sur une gosse”? 🙂

  4. This is why mothers DO drink. My kid only sings Frank Sinatra’s “Strangers in the Night,” replacing “exchanging glances” with “exchanging glasses” so that everyone is wearing the wrong prescription. But he SAYS a lot of embarrassing shit. Most recently he’s noticed that a lot of Americans are overweight. I hold my breath every time we pass someone whose BMI exceeds that recommended by the WHO because he will, invariable, scream out, “Mama! Look at that FLAT person! Why that person so FLAT? They eat too many chips.” I don’t think the flat person really thinks he means flat, but I’m certainly not going to tell him that he’s got it all wrong.

  5. It’s a good thing they are so cute. Otherwise, it would be tempting in moments like this to sell them to the circus.

  6. My mother still tells the story of when I was a wee child.. less than 2 years old. Apparently my diction was excellent, and I spoke very, very clearly.

    We went on a road trip with my (VERY religious and self-righteous) Aunt & Uncle and I felt the need to point out EVERY SINGLE TRUCK. But I did not say TRuck. For 6 hours, I said over and over to my poor mortified mother (at the top of my lungs no doubt)

    LOOK AT THAT BIG FUCK MOMMY!

    35+ years later, she still reminds me.

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