Parental discretion is advised
Walking home from work today, I watched a 3-year old hop out of the backseat of the car singing, “You PMS like a bitch, I should know…” Her father and I exchanged looks, I said “Courage!” (which in French is the equivalent of “Hang in there”) and walked away with a tear in my eye. The memories…
Everyone has an inappropriate lyric story about their kids. Ours start with my daughter’s traumatic Sound of Music obsession when she was three. Yes, I said traumatic. I saw the movie at school in grade two and it launched me into pre-pubescent fantasies about Julie Andrews’ breasts, so I know the power of this film. And rather than lisping, “So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye,” or “Doe, a deer, a female deer,” my daughter tended to belt out, “I am sixteen, going on seventeen, Baby, it’s time to dance!” (Not the original lyrics, I know, but she totally sold it with the jazz hands.)
When she was four, our friends Sylvain and Ghislain introduced her to Abba, which resulted in months of “Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight.” On the bus. Even worse, listening to a song called Wank on my iPod, she picked up the lyrical gem, “I tease you till you think you’ll explode. You’ll have to go home to blow your load.” (I still expect social workers to drop by unannounced.)
When she hit school, my sister-in-law started making her CDs of pop music she heard on the radio. Which would have been fine if my sister-in-law spoke English. But since she doesn’t, she inadvertently introduced my daughter and all her little school friends to the term “motherfucking princess”. Something needed to be done.
My girlfriend and I sat down with our daughter for a long explanation about why some words really shouldn’t be sung. Appalled, she asked us to make a list of all the really bad words so she wouldn’t sing them by mistake. (Yeah, right, you’re thinking. This is just a way to scam some new vocabulary. But this is the same kid who refused to say the word shit even after I offered her 8 packs of Pokémon cards and a $20 bill.)
Now, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, a half point for humanity. Because despite our fumbling parental guidance and all the crap they are exposed to, the kids are all right.
The Apocalypse: 15.5
Your turn now- what’s the worst thing your kid has said or sung in public?