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The Apocalypse pulls ahead with Vajazzling

February 26, 2010

Sweet mother of GOD. It’s not enough that our lady parts are supposed to be bleached, dyed, shaved and/or waxed into oblivion- now we are invited to attach sparkles to them in the newest fashion in “vaginal adornment”: vajazzling.

Now, if your mind works like mine, you flash back to the 80s television ads for the Bedazzler and you try to block the mental image of your labia being punctured by a big plastic stapler. Vajazzling is bad, but not that bad. What they do is wax your entire pubic area and glue on a lovely pattern in Swarovski crystals. ( That’s in the high-end salons, of course.  I bet it’s being done in a low-end salon this very minute with a bag of dollar store sparkles, a disposable bic razor, and a glue gun.)

There are so many things wrong here that I don’t know where to start. Like, why do pubic areas need to be shiny in the first place? I may not be the most objective judge, but I think lady parts look just swell without any adornment. And what about the practical considerations? Even if the glue does keep the crystals on for 5 whole days, what do you do when they start popping off in your underwear and your vagazzled vagina looks like a cheap denim purse that you got at the thrift shop? How do you keep them from ending up on the inside? From tearing a big whole in your condom?  And how many partners are going to want to get all sweaty and frictional with your Swarovski-encrusted pudenda?

I know that people do all kinds of things to adorn their bodies and I do believe that women have the right to do whatever they want to with their parts. But in a culture that already views unaltered female genitalia as grotesque, I don’t think we should encourage women to keep them bald and sparkly.

Apocalypse: 3.5*

Humanity: 1

*After reading other blogs on vajazzling, I have awarded an extra half point to The Apocalypse for the repeated use of the word  vajayjay. I am all for euphemisms (my favorite being meat curtains), but that word is just asinine.

  1. I’m so horrified by the bedazzling of the vagina that I can hardly stand it. And you KNOW how much I love sparkly shit.

  2. Oh yeah. I think we should all go full bush in protest.

  3. WTF? Diamonds in my ears, yes. Diamonds on my hooha? No effin’ way. Who comes up with this shit? Really? Who? Because they deserve to be bitch-slapped.

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