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No need for refugees in the modern world!

February 21, 2010

Great news! Hundreds of my fellow Canadians have declared the world to be free of grotesque human rights violations! In response to a story about a whopping 4 people claiming refugee status at the Vancouver Olympics, one of the most approved comments on the CBC website is as follows:

Betterlookinto: The entire refugee concept is totally outdated in today’s modern world. The entire program should be abolished. Send the refugee claimants back immediately.

The comment section is just riddled with opinions like this. Yay, modern world!! Apparently, persecution and torture are like, so 1990s. These days nobody needs to flee for their lives! All the people who want to come to Canada can just stay home, fill in the paperwork and wait years and years, because they are no longer being beaten, tortured, and raped! They no longer have to worry about their children starving to death because they have been displaced by sectarian violence or being forced into the army to kill other children! The modern world has arrived!

Of course, somebody needs to tell organizations like Human Rights Watch, because they are so behind the times. They’re still paying attention to events like Bloody Monday in Guinea, and publishing 108-page reports that describe “in detail the killings, sexual assaults, and other abuses at an opposition rally in a stadium in Conakry, the capital, committed largely by members of Guinea’s elite Presidential Guard, and the evidence suggesting that the attacks must have been planned in advance.”

Silly Human Rights Watch! Get with the times! You don’t need to worry about the things reported by witnesses in Nigeria, where “… groups of armed men attacked the largely Muslim population of Kuru Karama around 10 a.m. on January 19, 2010.” Yes, it may be true that “after surrounding the town, they hunted down and attacked Muslim residents, some of whom had sought refuge in homes and a local mosque, killing many as they tried to flee and burning many others alive.” And of course, there is testimony from old-timey witnesses such as this: “I saw one policeman kill more than three people. This is not what I heard from people; I saw it with my own eyes. We were running away, and we met the policeman. He shot a small boy who fell on the ground, and we hid. We had only stones in our hands. He also killed a woman with a baby.” Because, you see,  the modern world has fixed all that. And in just over a month!
And of course there are other countries we can stop worry about too! Like, there was a time when people got all huffy about Burma, where “… military recruiters target children in order to meet unrelenting demands for new recruits due to continued army expansion, high desertion rates and a lack of willing volunteers.” This is no longer a reason to go all refugee! After all, “military recruiters and civilian brokers receive cash payments and other incentives for each new recruit, even if the recruit clearly violates minimum age or health standards.” This is probably just part of the global economic recovery!

Thank you, fellow Canadians! Without your insightful and well-informed commentary, I would never have known what a wonderful place this world really is.

Apocalypse 2

Humanity 0

  1. This is a brilliant piece of writing. Truly brilliant. Passionate, satirical, and spot-on. Thanks again for dropping by my little corner. Hope the nose has healed. 🙂

    • Fortunately for you, I had already read some of your stuff, so the coffee laughed through my nose was cold. But I plan to return. Have you considered having lawyer on retainer?

      • I’d have to start selling my organs to put a lawyer on retainer. Perhaps a disclaimer would work. Or you could give up coffee? Nah, I wouldn’t ask anyone to do that – that’s just cruel.

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