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Nominate Stephen Harper for the Rapture

March 30, 2011

I got it all wrong. I was ready to drop everything and lobby for all Humanity, missing perhaps the only opportunity I have to engage meaningfully in the Canadian political process. This Judgement Day business is our way out! If Harper wins, we could be saved by the rapture!

Accordingly, I have created a Facebook event to help Stephen Harper get saved:

Nominate Stephen Harper for the Rapture

You may not be aware of this, but a Christian radio station in California has established  May 21st as the Day of Judgement. As a devout atheist,  I may not have all the details straight, but I believe this means that God is scheduled to make his final choice on the sheep and the goats. Those who are saved will be beamed up directly to him, and the rest of us will be left behind to suffer the end days with the Beast.

If this is true, it presents a unique opportunity for the Canadian voter. If the efforts of Iggy, Jack, and Gilles are not enough to keep Stephen Harper from winning a majority government, we can pray for him to be taken up in the rapture.

It’s a win-win solution. There’s not enough time between the May 2nd election and the Judgement for him to ruin what is left of our democracy. And since Stephen Harper is a member of a fundamentalist Christian church and would be on the list of the hopeful, we would actually be doing him a favour as well.

Atheist, agnostic or member of another faith? Not a problem. Think how impressed Harper’s God will be when the unwashed heathens petition his behalf!

Given the bovine complacency and gullibility of the average Canadian voter, willing to hand this despotic right-wing nut majority control over our government because he took credit for a system of banking regulations that saved us from the worst of the recession (which, as a libertarian, he would have dismantled if he’d had the opportunity), this may be our only chance.

I humbly submit the following prayer for your consideration:

Lord, if Your judgement day is indeed slated for May 21st, I humbly beseech You to include Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper in the Saved. I know, Lord, that he presides over a sinful nation of abominations like equal rights for gays, but I assure you that Stephen Harper is  a faithful fundamentalist Christian and, were he not hobbled with a heathen majority in the House of Commons and the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, he would have abolished all such progressive legislation years ago.

Lord, if you call home the Faithful on May 21st, please do not overlook Stephen Harper in the rapture.

Amen.

And the point? For The Apocalypse, of course. Because the post-rapture world promises to be more democratic than a Harper majority government.

The Apocalypse: 27

Humanity: 21.5

5 Comments
  1. Cocopea permalink

    Hi there,

    Even though I am a Christian, I thought this was kind of a funny post. I can appreciate some of the secular humor still. And yes, many of us have politicians we only wish would vanish, but most won’t be going in the Rapture…lol…However, if Harper is a true Christ Follower, don’t worry, the Lord will surely answer your prayer. It won’t be on May 21st however, but perhaps before that….

    If you ever get bored with your atheism, please visit my blog. I write with a lot of humor too, and I once dated a atheist for 5 years, so I can relate to a lot.

    Blessings!

    Coco

    • Welcome! And thanks for the compliment. I do worry sometimes that I will offend real Christians, i.e. those who walk the walk. And some of my favourite people are real Christians. If I step over the line, call me out. (But beware: my partner says I have a base camp on the line.)

  2. This is a brilliant plan. You should get t-shirts. That ludicrous radio station has taken out a billboard ad near one of the major intersections in my town. It’s got the date, the accusatory tone (“Are YOU ready for Judgement Day?”) and the all important take-away line (“The Bible guarantees it!”). I’m avoiding that intersection when I have the kids in the car – I don’t need to be explaining fundamentalist whack-job notions on the way to the supermarket.

  3. I accidentally stumbled upon Christian Radio in the car yesterday and could. not. turn. it. off. There was a man singing, out of tune, “May twenty one, two thousand eleven. . .beg for mercy.” I listened to nearly an hour of it, mesmerized. And then I went into the closest bar, bought the coldest beer they had and was thankful once again for my lack of faith.

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